Jennifer... Aped Perfection

When you get a group of girls together, there are certain dynamics that take over the relationships. Some of them are spoken of, relished, celebrated and displayed. Others, however are sneaky, kept in the dark, silenced and kept at bay as long as possible.

Every one of my girlfriends will tell you they love me. They think I'm unique, fabulous, beautiful and sexy. And if they get you alone they might also tell you that I should really consider losing some weight, my attitude towards men will never land me a husband and on occasion I tend to drink too much. That's the faithful girlfriend though... she knows you inside and out... she might even know you better than you know yourself.

Underneath the appearances there are quiet pots burbling under pressure. When they burst, it's bad... but until they burst there's an unspoken race to see who can get whom boiling.

I know I make it sound evil, but on some level we are all evil.

When we were little girls the race was about grades. We were the goody goodies in school. Whoever landed the solo in choir, whoever got on honor roll, whoever landed the lead in the school play, whoever was the biggest teacher's pet... that person won the contest. More often than not it was Julie. She was always so determined.

We'd never admit we were competing with each other, but we were. Well, I take that back. Those of us who routinely lost the contest would admit that others were still in the race. I dropped out of the race back in junior high. Since then I have been a mere observer, but I will admit that every now and then I'll temporarily vie for something. But usually it's because I'm bored with every other aspect of my life.

Julie's main competitor was Jennifer. Though Jenn's mom couldn't afford it, she took her to the best beauty salon in town. She bought her the best clothes from the best stores in the mall. And she routinely told her she had to be better than everybody else. Jenn never really believed she was better, but, because of her mother's influence, she believed she should be.

Jennifer has the ability to see everybody's faults, including her own. Over the years she's managed to see the greatness in others, but her mother still tells her she needs improvement. The result is a really low self-esteem covered up by an aped cheerful attitude. She'll have you believe that she still believes in fairytales when she's broken hearted. She'll make you think that endless optimism is the way to go, but underneath it all she's the biggest pessimist I know. She's a walking paradox of personalities... and those personalities are kept under great control.

She used to vie with Julie over grades and achievements, but when Julie got her first boyfriend in junior high the competition really heated up. Suddenly Jennifer was flirting with boy after boy, and when she couldn't land a date, she'd flirt with Julie's boyfriend. This is a trend, that, really never died.

In college Jennifer finally got the attention from the males that she wanted. The guys in high school wouldn't touch her because she was branded as the good girl. When she went away to school she created a whole new persona for herself: slutty sorority party girl who can't hold her alcohol. She was still determined and she still maintained a good GPA. Afterall, she still had mommy dearest to impress. But when the sun went down she was doing keg stands and sleeping in a different bed every night.

Through the years Jennifer always let other people tell her who she was. She never really got to know herself. Anytime she came close to finding out who she was, she'd decide to switch gears and change all that. One month she'd be party girl. Another month she was student body president. Then the next month she was practically engaged to the love of her life. Well, to one of the loves of her life.

She desperately wanted that fairytale ending, but she couldn't keep her mind from wondering if she couldn't do better than this (whatever this may be). The downfall from having a mother tell you that you should be better than the rest is that you believe her... and it kills you to see somebody else be better than you at anything.

She met Guy last summer at a party. Guy convinced her she was in love with him, and then she tried to convince me of this. I didn't buy it, but I told her to do what she wants. She moved in with him after two months of dating, and another two months after that she was engaged. Her parents spent thousands of dollars to plan a wedding within six months. Two months before the nuptuals were to be held, he broke it off. Coincedently, he broke it off the day before Julie got engaged. Consider that competition lost, Jennifer... you almost walked down the aisle before Julie.

Now poor Jennifer has to sit idly by while Julie plans a wedding... the wedding Jennifer was supposed to have. She calls me constantly, afraid to confide in anybody else. I don't know what to say to her, because all advice I've ever given her has never been taken. It gets overpowered by her poor self-esteem and her determination to act like nothing is wrong. But something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong.